I put this question on my Instagram notes previously because, honestly, I do not know what the hell I’m doing, and what I’m doing it for. I think about my journey in music from when I started in 2019 to now, which is almost 7 years I’ve regressed. Ability-wise, I have progressed, but in everything else, I have regressed.
Progress Without Results: A Frustrating Reality
There’s a lot that I couldn’t do that I can now do; there’s a lot that I can do way better than before, and somehow, I am further away now. Then I was, whilst being better. It’s very hard not to get caught up in the metrics, but those are the things that show you’re getting closer to “somewhere” (whatever that is for me). Would you believe me if I said that at one point, I had almost 15,000 monthly listeners on Spotify?
What the hell happened? Life, I guess…
When Life Mirrors Your Creative Struggles
And when I think about my life, it mirrors my journey with music in some sense. I have a lot more friends, I’m mentally tougher, and I handle things a lot better. But my position in life is worse, and it’s never been THIS BAD for THIS LONG.
Reflecting on my current standpoint in life, I’ve really begun to question what the point of all of this is. Why do I keep doing this? What good is this doing? There’s a mental exhaustion that turns into a poisoning numbness when you’ve been in my predicament for the amount of time I have. How can I have the thought of “Why am I even making/posting this video when it’s not going to do anything” before it’s even seen the light of day? That is so toxic. But at the same time, I’m right.
The Harsh Reality of Organic Growth in Music
The place I am operating from makes everything around it feel so worthless. Because while I do believe all around, there is absolutely no one better than me who is doing this, and even if they are, I always go back to that Drake lyric: “Only thing you got is some years on me. Man fuck you and your time difference.” And while I truly believe I am good at what I do. I am also not an idiot to the reality of the world we live in.
I spoke out the place I’m operating in, and it’s basically the same as screaming into a void of space. I really do try my best, but deep down I know it’s all for nothing. To make even the smallest ripple in the ocean, you need money, which I don’t have. Yes, I have a phone that can film stuff. Yes, I have all the equipment at home so that I can cut out the middleman of the studio. Yes, I can do all these things. Still, ultimately, it won’t do anything because I cannot put the traction needed into it to make even the tiniest ripple in the ocean, so what’s the point?
Believe me, I am trying, I do try. But trying to do this strictly organically without putting anything in is essentially an impossible task, Google states: “The odds of ‘making it’ in music (defined as earning a full-time living) solely through organic promotion with no money are extremely low, often cited as less than 1% for achieving notable success, and roughly 10% for making a sustainable living.”
And with roughly 60,000 to 100,000 new tracks uploaded to Spotify daily, how am I going to achieve anything in this vein?
The only source of “light” I can go on that happened to make something in the same position is Lil Nas X. In short, he had dropped out of college, was living on his sister’s couch, and posted hella memes to Old Town Road for months before it finally blew up. That song became the longest no. 1 in Billboard history. But he is him, and I am me. Two different people with two different stories.
“Just Keep Going” — But Where?
People always tell me to “keep going,” but honestly, where am I going? “Keep going” to me right now is just being alive, just to be alive, to be in the same place as I am now, and achieve the same results as I “keep going.” For me, it’s been a year and two months since I’ve been able to get a job. Let’s say in two months, I’m still trying to get a job, still making content and releasing songs, and nothing has changed in either. Then where have I actually gone as I’ve kept going?
Nowhere.
Searching for Meaning in the Process
I love what I do, but I also want to love the fact that what I’m doing is going somewhere, no matter how small, and quite frankly, in this moment in time, nothing in my personal life is going anywhere for too long, which is making the joy of it fade away and turn into the numbness I spoke of previously.
I don’t know, I’m half venting, and just expressing my current feelings. But I hate feeling stuck, and either way I go isn’t helpful.
I do want to say that I will try to continue releasing music. It is getting a bit more difficult now (because of money), and I will continue making content, even when I feel proud of what I have made, and do nothing online (as usual). However, I still have this lingering feeling of ” Is there any point to any of this?” Which leaves me with the question…
Is doubt part of the process?