This has been coming for a long time. Even now, I don’t know what I’m going to write, but here we go. This post is more personal, but I promise it’ll still align with music too; I need to take you on a journey first. Recently, something happened to me because of something I did. Regardless of intent or context, it’s my fault, so I take full responsibility.
OUKASnation is my brand, and it’s always been where outcasts (like me) can showcase their true identity and be accepted for who they are without having to hide. My childhood wasn’t exactly the greatest, and I was always cussed at and felt my whole existence was a negative thing because of the almost daily attacks I used to get on myself for simply being born “different.”
OUKASnation, or being an outcast here, means not being afraid to be your authentic self, being honest and transparent. And if that is what I want to build here, I must lead by example.
I would say I have always been a person of utmost transparency and honesty, and I’ve never been one to hide from things. Being extremely vulnerable is a strength (often overlooked), and I think I’ve shown this many times in previous blog posts like ‘Before I am a Man, I am a Human‘. My music, especially with the Partache series. And in general. People who know me know that if you ask me where I’ve got something, I go out of my way to send the link or show the page. THAT is who I am.
And now, we are here.
Over the last couple of years, my life has changed drastically socially. From being the kid who his peers mostly shunned to having a huge group of people to share moments with, I became part of a bigger community. Despite my struggles with finding a job, younger me would be living his dream in this moment, but one moment has made it all crumble to dust, and now I’m that little boy again in secondary school, essentially by himself, asking, “Where do I go from here?”
I don’t want to talk too much for multiple reasons, but you’re probably wondering what I did (if you don’t know). Well, I was told I was:
- Moving (which is British slang for chatting up or flirting) to girls who had a boyfriend persistently
- Calling someone pretty and reaching for their hand/arm
- Talking to this girl with my face really close to hers, with my arm around them
Yes, I was drinking. And while I don’t remember any of these interactions from the day, and while I was drinking, it doesn’t take away from the hurt I caused to those people. That is the first count of accountability.
I thought I was fine that day, so when I was told about the incident, I was truly shocked. If my behaviour made someone uncomfortable, no matter how small, that is enough for me to know that I need to change something. The standard I want to hold myself to isn’t “Did I do something crazy?” It’s “Did my behaviour cause harm, and what do I need to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?”
When I was told what happened, I had a live music show the same week (Friday), and I was really distraught, so I didn’t want to do it. I forced myself to go because I’d committed long ago. And…
No one came.
That is the first time in my life that I had a live show where no one I knew showed up. I was completely by myself, and it really set in that I am alone now.
I messed up a lot at the show; I didn’t really practice because the weight of this situation was all on my mind, but weirdly enough, I feel it was a good show. Like, the people who were there enjoyed the songs, so I guess it was somewhat of a win?
I left my song, HPC Anthem, till last, and I had to front whilst up there, but it was so saddening because remembering everyone and all the moments made it hit even more that I am no longer part of the group, and how I’m now alone. Additionally, never get this moment again in the video below. That is definitely the last time I’m performing that song live.
You’re probably thinking, “Why did no one show up?”
This doesn’t cover everyone, because there are still people outside the group and other circumstances. I basically told everyone what happened, removed myself from the wider group I mentioned earlier, and the grace I got initially mostly turned into hatred (not entirely).
Guilt, Hatred and Shame
When I initially heard what happened, it was a true shock to my system. So I really struggled with myself, my whole being. No part of me genuinely wants to make someone uncomfortable. That is fundamentally incompatible with the person I am and the values I try to live by. But that doesn’t change the fact that I did something that made people uncomfortable. That is the part I have to own.
What makes this so difficult for me to process is that I don’t remember these interactions. It’s almost like I’m carrying the Hulk in me, and I don’t remember when I turn into him. I cannot point to a conscious thought where I decided to disregard someone’s boundaries, because I genuinely don’t have one. But I don’t need to remember for the impact to have been real.
The only time someone has told me I was moving “crazy” was when I was told that I was trying to move to a girl who had a boyfriend. I do not condone that or these actions, but I can admit that on that day I was SOOOO DRUNK. I do not remember anything from that day.
So I’m like, fair enough. Not to give me an excuse, because there isn’t one, but because I drank WAY above a normal amount, and it was verbal. Again, it does not make it acceptable, but that seems like an easy fix:
- Stop drinking THAT much on a night out
- This won’t happen again
I thought as long as I don’t drink that much, I would be fine, but clearly not. So to hear that I made people feel uncomfortable, and that I have no recollection of these interactions, is a shock to my system.
In all my years of drinking prior, I had never had an interaction towards anyone that made them uncomfortable. So the fact that these things have now come to light scares me, because deliberately making someone uncomfortable or disregarding their boundaries is fundamentally not who I am or who I want to be. I would never consciously choose to treat someone that way. And yet, I still have to take responsibility for the behaviour.
Yes, I have danced with women. Yes, I’ve been physical with women. I’ve flirted, kissed, had conversations, whatever. To my knowledge, those interactions were reciprocal and consensual. That is how I have always understood my interactions with women. I have never consciously gone out of my way to make anyone uncomfortable, and if I were told that I had crossed a boundary, I would stop. Deliberately making someone uncomfortable or disregarding their boundaries is fundamentally at odds with who I am and the person I want to be.
It is not someone I ever want to become.
Genuinely, I cannot describe to you how much I dissected and questioned myself. I could not understand why I would behave in a way that I fundamentally reject, and that disconnect made me begin hating my whole self and thinking I was some monster. I couldn’t trust myself because I felt there was some ‘invisible’ thing wrong with my whole being, and I needed to hide.
As time went by, I began to “be seen” again by posting on Instagram, and my gosh, the difference was extremely clear. The engagement I used to get completely vanished, and I’m not saying all my posts were going viral, but it was like I was practically posting to no one.
I felt even more pushed back because music is a passion, but if no one is fucking with what I’m putting out, what is the point? Even trying to promote, struggling to get even 10 likes, which used to be a breeze for me, made me feel like ‘trying to exist’ was even more pointless. Additionally, I was losing followers ever so slowly day by day. The whole thing really got to me.
From being the school kid alone, to slowly becoming part of this great community, to starting from zero again…
Alone.
Accountability Does Not Mean Self-Hatred
I don’t believe time heals all wounds, but it does make things a lot lighter to carry, and as time went on, I began to zoom out of the situation and look beyond/around it. The anime community was a very big part of my life. I wasn’t going to their yearly boat party because of what happened and because I knew the perception of me was changing amongst everyone (not “everyone”, but you get the point), but I had bought the ticket before this incident.
A few people did message me and said I should still come/go, and I said I would think about it, but I was never completely sure. Whilst I was still “living life,” I was restricting myself within a sense because I still felt I wasn’t worthy of “fully being seen.” And while I was flirting with the idea of being “out there,” loving myself, and getting strong again, I was constantly battling myself internally, thinking I was this “evil person,” until I saw this video.
I’ve never seen a video that I felt was 100% speaking to me, and for those who don’t want to watch this video because it’s basically 7 mins long, I shall summarise it in bullet points:
Key Points of the Video
- There is still life after mistakes, and you still deserve a good life even after making a mistake
- Even if others don’t forgive or judge you, you deserve to forgive yourself and not judge yourself
- You cannot hate yourself into a better version of yourself
- Once you hold yourself accountable, it ends there. Other people don’t get to decide how long you “have to pay for your crimes.” If you let other people decide, they will hold you in “jail” forever
- Accountability is about the action. What harm was done, what did it cause, how can I do better, etc. It’s not about the person
- People feel that because you’ve done something wrong, they now have the license to say and do anything to the person
- It’s not your job to fix the hate people have of you
- Have a good perception of yourself outside of others, and guard that
- The process of doing better can only be operated from a place of love, not hate
- Some people will believe that once you’ve done wrong, you don’t deserve a good life; then they start focusing on the person instead of the action negatively
- You still deserve love
I cannot tell you how much I NEEDED to see this, and it came at the perfect time. The parts of the video that resonated with me are:
You cannot hate yourself into a better person. For me to do better, which I said I would, I still need to live wholly. Diminishing myself or hating myself doesn’t make me optimally better because I’m either still hiding or I’m capping the growth I should be making.
The parts about what accountability is, and not letting others decide how long you have to pay for your crimes. Because whether I show my face or not, whether I put out music or not. The shit I set out to do, to be a better human being, and to make sure that shit never happens again STILL NEEDS TO BE DONE AND IS STILL BEING DONE. THOSE TWO THINGS ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. I CAN STILL TRY TO ENJOY LIFE AND HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE! AND NO ONE HAS THE JURISDICTION TO SAY WHEN THAT IS!
And lastly, it’s not my job to fix the hate people now have for me. I am very aware of what has been said about me and the switched perception of me, but that’s none of my business. That is for whoever to keep for themselves, and that is fine. In the same way, it’s not my responsibility to show I’m a good person, doing better, or to make people forgive me. That is not their business. Those things are my responsibility.
So I went to the boat party…
To be honest, I was a shadow of myself. I spent the whole time trying to make myself as invisible as possible. And while it wasn’t a good time, it definitely wasn’t a bad one. But it gave me clarity that I don’t belong in that space anymore, which is sad because I truly loved the community, but I guess everything has an end.
Also, as crazy as it sounds. It was actually kind of peaceful to see who hates me now and who doesn’t (though I’m sure the group that hates me is bigger now), though being on that boat was an emotionally charged time internally.
Learning to Live With Other People’s Perceptions
Perception is probably the biggest thing right now, and one thing I’ve learnt is I cannot control anyone’s perception of anything, let alone me, and I think during the years of being in the group a certain perception of me has been built. I don’t really want to get into this too much, even though I’m being transparent and honest. It wouldn’t be wise of me to go extremely deep into this part specifically because it would distract from the essence of what this post is about. But I will pose this question:
Just because a porn star’s job is to have sex with many other people, does that mean that they all have the impulsive desire to want to have sex with everyone outside their job?
A snapshot of me has now (to some) become my whole being. My whole character.
Thinking of “What does starting from zero look like?” I thought of famous figures who faced backlash and came back better, or who had a bad moment in their past, and the only ones who came to mind were these. Then I started to think of artists (since I’m a musician), and the only one who came to mind was Justin Bieber. For those who don’t remember:
- Neighbourhood Vandalism (2014): Bieber threw eggs at a neighbour’s house in Calabasas, California, causing thousands of dollars in damage.
- Racist Jokes and Slurs (2014): Archived videos surfaced showing a teenage Bieber telling a racist joke involving a chainsaw and the N-word, as well as a separate clip altering his song “One Less Lonely Girl” with racial slurs.
- Anne Frank House Comment (2013): During a visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, he wrote in the guestbook that he hoped the Holocaust victim “would have been a belieber”, drawing widespread criticism for insensitivity.
- Yasukuni Shrine Visit (2014): He posted and later deleted an Instagram photo of himself bowing at Tokyo’s controversial Yasukuni Shrine, which honours Japanese war criminals.
- Reckless Driving (DUI) and Behavioural Issues (2013–2014)
Rather than ignoring his past behaviour, he addressed the public through a series of intentional media moves and a major musical comeback.
- The Confessional Style Video (January 2015)
- The turning point began when Justin posted a confessional video to Facebook immediately after filming an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, admitting he was terrified of how the audience would judge him.
- The Comedy Central Roast (March 2015)
- To prove he could take accountability and laugh at himself, Bieber volunteered to be the subject of a brutal Comedy Central Roast. At the end of the broadcast, he took the microphone for a serious note, apologising to his supporters and acknowledging that he had let people down.
- Letting the Music Apologise: Purpose (Late 2015)
- Instead of relying strictly on interviews, he returned to the music with huge collaborations and singles like “Sorry.”
The album Purpose became a global success and shifted public focus back onto his talent rather than his legal troubles.
While I am no Malcom X, Robert Downey Jr., or Justin Bieber, do you feel it would be fair to judge these people based on snapshots of their lives in the photos above?
I don’t think so.
That doesn’t excuse the behaviour or the accountability that needs to be taken, but it does not tell the whole story of who that person is. Which leads me to the title of this blog post…
What Does Starting from Zero Look Like?
I thought about this for a while. And genuinely it’s this guy:
Hear me out, though.
Yes, I do not agree with a lot of the shit he has said and done, or the way he has gone about certain things, and yes, I am very aware of his mental health conditions. I am not referring to those here. I am referring to the sheer level of pursuit within himself.
No matter what has happened to this man, right from the infamous car crash that almost killed him, his label not believing in him rapping, people telling him he can’t be in fashion, people “cancelling” him, all the way till now, he has never stopped driving towards himself.
He never stopped; he never stopped living his life, his truth to the max (though a lot of those things have been very questionable). One thing I’ve really taken from him is that the only person that can stop you is yourself. And additionally, no one knows you better than you know yourself. And I think this little paragraph here sums up what starting from zero really looks like. It’s just continuing to live your life, your truth, to the fullest. And not allowing anything or anyone to take you away from that.
So yes, my streams are the worst they have ever been. Yes, my engagement on Instagram is the worst it’s ever been. Yes, I’ve lost a lot of core people in my life. Yes, my social life is very minimal compared to before. Yes, I’ve had to let go of a lot of things I love. Yes, I consistently feel lonely sometimes. But guess what?
I’m still here.
And while I am starting from zero, I’m starting from a higher base of zero than my secondary school self ever was. And there is still good shit going on in my life, and there are a lot of changes I have made in my life for the better, which I would like to share:
- Journaling
- Being in nature
- Reading (this has been difficult because I hate it, but I’m trying)
- Practising gratitude and positive internal talk
- Serving people more, supporting and offering help when I can, etc.
- No alcohol
- Slowly building new communities
- Analysing my past (in general) and checking for patterns and just seeing where I can improve as a person as a whole
- Making music again (it’s been a while)
- Going out of my comfort zone
- Yoga
There’s probably more things I’m forgetting, but yeah. I go back to the quote: “Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.” And in a weird way. I feel like a better human being for it, despite the pain and hurt caused and felt, which I am truly sorry for. I also feel I’ve been living a fake life for the last couple of years, but that’s a different conversation.
I am not saying I’m perfect, and I never will be, because no one is. I will make mistakes again, but I want to learn from them, take responsibility, and do everything I can to avoid repeating the ones that can cause real harm. What I’m about to say is the complete opposite of my current reality, but I genuinely believe I will make something good with this music thing.
There are A LOT of people I have told about this, and the general consensus (in short) is: “I don’t condone your actions, but I don’t think you’re a bad person; you’ve taken accountability, learn and do better.”
And to all those people who still see me for me. I truly do love and appreciate you, and believe me, you shall not be forgotten when I get where I’m going. And let me reiterate, since this is the end. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MY ACTIONS REGARDLESS OF HOW SMALL, AND I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. But of course, some people think I’m lying, and my whole character is being this “deviant,” etc. And that’s fine (well, it’s not fine, but it’s fine in the sense that it’s not for me to download for myself). I cannot control what people think of me or whether they want to hang this over my head forever to define my whole character/being.
But one thing I know is that I know myself better than anyone on this planet. I know that deliberately making anyone uncomfortable, disregarding their boundaries, or treating people that way is fundamentally against the person I am. That is not who I want to be, and it is not the person I intend to become.
But I don’t need to prove that to anyone or make people forgive me. I need to demonstrate it through how I live from this point forward. I shall do what I need to do to become better for myself, not for anyone else.
And if you hate me, perceive my whole being negatively, etc., that’s fine. You don’t need to change your mind; you can keep that for yourself. Retain your opinion whilst continuing to reconcile with reality because my story is yet to be written, and I shall be its author.
The Villain In Who’s Story?
Osi
Produced by jglad
Single
[Verse 1]
Cancer-born, but I’m coming here without my shell
Can’t expose when I’m here baring all myself
Rumours spreading like a tumour gotta watch my health
I’ve cut it here, with no chemo, ain’t no place to grow
Throwing dirt on my name, I made a place to grow
And this new seed is rooted with the truest soul, coz I’m branching out and when I leave I be planting more
Environments that are better than I’ve ever known
New season, still here, weathered through that storm
Global warning coz the ‘O’ zone faced some major heat
And I agree remove pollution; I was first to leave
But there’s layers and still protect the me that’s fucking me
On a mission
Gotta hunt to make a killing
They say I’m lying, left scar, but ain’t no villain
I hope you see my pride lands in every word that’s written
And I’m still a king like Simba, move faster than ‘em
They say leopard can’t ever truly change its spots
But niggas adding spots just to take me out my spot?
I’ve dotted all my i’s and took account full stop
And this period I’m running commas I’m up
Exclaiming all my transgressions, questioning me
I’ve done things to slash the part less than friendly
Still I’m put in this bracket to box me in, connecting me to something like a hyphen that I’ve never been
And this won’t be a dash; I’m not incredible
But you can take it from the source, indeed, I’m credible
And best believe my story’s way off from the finish line, so the words you speak on me don’t make a page; I author mine
This a new chapter, title this new beginnings
Implemented with old lessons and my dearests
Spent some needed time with me; I’ve been alone now
But I’ve always been an outcast; guess I’m home now