This website is about my music and music (in general), but it’s also about me. I want to discuss this topic because it’s been on my mind for a while. However, I need to structure it properly, and thankfully, I have my platform to do this.
Putting Myself First: Breaking Free from Emotional Repression
My main goal this year is to put my needs and wants first. Coming from a place of low self-esteem, I mostly always brushed my feelings aside for other people because I did not feel worthy enough to speak up about them. which goes deeper than that, but I don’t necessarily want to get into all of that.
“Who Cares?”
Now that I’m alone, I can hone in on my goal, which I feel I’m doing pretty well in, but I think the change within that is where I came across this TikTok video. The video responded to a comment from his video where someone used the term “As a man…” and his response was: “The biggest problem that a lot of you have is saying, bro, I’m a man, I have to do this, who cares! You got feelings, you got emotions…” That part alone changed my life. I can’t lie because, honestly. Who cares?
Where Is the Safety for Us?
Your first relationship is with yourself, which means your first love should be yourself. As a male human, there has been this stigma that we must suffer for happiness, whether it is for ourselves or our partners, but who decided that? This notion is so ingrained within our society that, like me, it has been internalised (among men), and even our partners think so in the sense that you might be tired from work and want to rest. While this is valid, it is almost blasphemous to most partners because now it becomes a thing of You don’t love me or want to spend time with me, etc. So, where does that lead us back to? And where is the safety for us in that?
Part one is breaking out of this cycle within your thoughts and rejecting anybody who chooses to or continues to place you in it. The idea of what a “man should be” should never be construed as who you are, and I want you to keep hold of that ideal when facing this world.
Redefining Masculinity: Beyond Pain and Performance
The masculinity that has been practised/spread only seems to be connected with martyrdom and abuse. In other words, men should provide and protect or be feared. I had a conversation previously where I stated women are brought up only being told what men should be doing for them, and to fear them. On the flip side, men believe they are only useful if they handle everything and are ready to die/hurt for ours with no questions asked. This masculinity bestowed on me is one where I have to have the ability to tolerate pain, suffering, disruption and abuse and not say anything because I am a man? Another reason we have internalised is that nobody cares what we say, so we either stay quiet (like me) or lash out crazily (a behavioural response to people not caring how men feel).
A lot of women reinforce this concept. I’m sure you’ve seen shit like: “I wish men would shut up and go and die in wars like before.” A sign of emotional neglect and invalidation. Hence (and which is also why mandem need to create more safe spaces for each other), women get mad when their man is playing video games happily with their boys for however long. If I had to hypothesise why it would bother some women, it is the reminder that you are not always seen as a safe space, and if that is so, ask yourself why. Honestly, a space for men is not always a safe place for women.
Performative Actions and Emotional Erasure
We need to be and feel seen, other than performing performative actions. Men are multidimensional beings, but have been subjugated to niche-specific tasks expected of us to “make us men,” which makes us seem like animals, just here to work and suffer.
Performative actions will be a recurring theme throughout. I am highlighting it here briefly.
Love and Labour in Relationships
This section is more so for the black community, but the roles people perform in a relationship should be the ones they’re good at or what the situation calls for. Whoever can do said thing at that moment should do it because either way, it has to get done. Can you imagine me at home, waiting for my wife to come home to clean up because we have guests coming over, because “That’s what women should do.” Crazy right? At that moment, I could do what was needed anyway, lessening the load for us when she returned. This point goes back to the performative action, and if you’re only going to love me for the things I can do/provide, not me as a whole person. Miss me with all of that.
Patriarchy and The Illusion of Benevolent Patriarchy
Patriarchy
noun
I’m not going to lie; I kind of hate it when this word is brought up because it lacks nuance. Although I understand its role in society, I would like to address it through a wider lens. Men need to be more emotionally intelligent, but not for the reasons pushed in society, which are usually women saying, “So we don’t have to raise your sons.” That ask is not wrong, but it’s also dangerous because it’s not for our benefit as men to deepen our relationship with ourselves to be complete human beings. It’s to improve the performance of a man for the sake of the relationship with women, essentially a benevolent patriarch, AKA “only when it benefits you.”
Benevolent Patriarchy
noun
This concept still removes men’s ability to communicate how he is experiencing the pressures of patriarchy. Why? Because it still relates to the performance rules of being a good man. These pressures of performing masculinity or the expectation of it erode our humanity, and one thing I am learning in this journey is that I am a human first before I am a man, who has feelings and needs that come before what you think “a man should do” because respectfully, those things are not me.
Another reason why this is dangerous is that it still upholds the patriarchy. It’s just men aren’t abusive and kind, but yes, I will lead, make all the decisions, and take care of everything, but go back to the definitions at the start of this section and tell me what that sounds like…
This whole concept still does not allow me to express my humanity. The patriarchy is not solely a men problem. It is an entire societal problem deeply internalised, so much so that women believe (and I’m not saying this as I’ve heard this directly) that men are emotionless beings (stripping away humanity). Maybe that’s because women do not clearly understand what an emotionally intelligent man is (hypothesising). After all, many women believe male anger equals male violence, which is not always the case. That expectation of being in control of our emotions all the time is not humanly possible, which results in silence/non-emotionality.
The times I have spoken about things within the patriarchal structure that I do not like or feel pressured by women, most times the response will be something like: “Well, men created it.” This type of response lacks the nuance I speak of because there are obvious class, colour, and age intersections I do not fall into to create such (and most men), but it still forces us to “shut up and be a good man,” as explained above.
But let me get into those intersections because even though they might be true, it skips over the psychological implications that have been done to me (as a black man) under the patriarchal system created by the white man. So, those ideas of masculinity through patriarchy have been adopted by me because that is the system I have been living in. Most men (and I would be lying if we didn’t) think they should be in a leadership position simply because they are men, for whatever reason you believe that is (benevolent or not). I can accept that I have, and also accept that I want to break this down COMPLETELY!
The patriarchy is/was institutionalised by white people but internalised by black men, which we have to accept, especially if you’re living in the West. Because going back to the statement “because I’m a man, I have to…” Like the guy I referenced in the TikTok video at the start. WHO CARES!?
The point is that it creates a culture of men being just problem solvers, again, “performative actions, and not human beings.” Robotic in a sense. When you hear women bragging about a man, it’s always about what he does: “He pays my bills, he pays my rent, etc.” What about the qualities that make someone a good human being?
But realistically, we cannot deconstruct the patriarchy without expressing how it feels to exist in that patriarchy. Vocalising is a key factor because the human side I spoke about needs to be able to express these things, making us more whole. Still, because that is deemed “not solving the problem,” it makes us the problem. We lack the nuance to have those extended conversations to discuss how we can show up for women beyond being benevolent patriarchs.
I say this to say that a lot of women are inconsiderate of the impact the expectations men are taught to have because that forces you to see how it is that you uphold some of those patriarchal ideas, AKA “when it benefits you.”
Reductive Masculinity and the Myth of Control
I can not lie, mandem; we must save ourselves from the mental entrapment of what “manhood should be.” Many of us walk around trying not to feel anything. The only organisms that do not feel anything are dead. And we are living human beings. We need to take the time to express, acknowledge and protect our emotional self unapologetically, or that part of us will die, causing us to match that inner death externally. Not only will you reduce yourself to what you can do for others, but it further pushes the narrative of what men are, and that is not for a woman to fix.
Humans are naturally social creatures, so taking away the ability to express ourselves creates isolation. In most cases, men see women as some trophy to win in a competition, and in a lot of cases, they value their sexual prowess of “conquering women” to make themselves seem more masculine, because that’s all they have. And guess who the competitors are in this case? Other men. Creating further isolation because you’re assessing every person as a threat.
Many still believe that this archetype of a man is useful or the pinnacle (Andrew Tate). They align themselves with these ideals of masculinity in the hopes that they will be able to communicate. In other words, “I have loads of money, get all the girls, and drive a big car, so I am powerful enough to express how I feel because you cannot tell me anything” (Myron Gaines).
This demonises any engagement and vulnerability, with the expectation that respect and submission will be received, which is another form of psychological debt added on to ourselves that we are trying to sell to other men, and with only men buying into this debt. Some of us (like me) don’t even want to buy.
The masculinity sold to us was initially because our ancestors were going to war. We are not currently fighting any wars, so we begin creating wars with ourselves, internally and externally.
Don’t get me wrong; competition is good, but we must also know when to collaborate. Toxic masculinity will have you thinking you are a leader when you are a dictator, and we have seen throughout history what happens to them. And as much as I can say, “I do not display these behaviours, so it is not me.” I am a man, too, so it is our problem to dismantle this reductive masculinity and create more of a culture where we can lean into each other emotionally.
Most men restrict their masculinity to providing and protecting, but ask yourself if you can provide a safe space for people around you and protect people from the worst version of yourself. How about that (emotionally progressive men)?
The teaching that we need to provide and protect women so they can be soft, which involuntarily turns us hard, has gotten us to the highest suicide rates and substance abuse. We need to learn to provide safe spaces and protection for ourselves and not create a stigma around it being gay or feminine, as “femininity” doesn’t uphold this fake sense of masculinity within the patriarchal structure. Additionally, it is important to become more emotionally intelligent to be able to communicate when other people are being harmful to us, updating what it truly means to be masculine.
Humanity First, Gender Second
I’ve been touching on this throughout, but do not let anyone put your sex before your humanity, and if anyone does, dash them away immediately. If any woman does not allow you to feel something because you are a man, but, in the same breath, wants you to create an emotionally safe space for them, please leave. We’re killing ourselves internally, and as I’m going through my journey, I want other men to be in touch with who they are as a whole person and not what sex they are born as.
Now, men are called “sassy” for voicing their opinions/feelings. If you feel that men do not deserve to take up emotional space because that encroaches on your ability to have the most emotional space, then you are emotionally manipulative. So that “sassy” comment (deemed a feminine trait) further pushes the narrative of everything I’ve been saying before this point.
Please, let’s stop it.
Some men only see their humanity attached to their sex and performative actions, and if that is how you feel, great. I am not here to tell you how to live your life. But a lot of men also recognise that their humanity is being diminished if they perform the role of manhood to this standard that has been created, which supplements a woman’s femininity or ego. Essentially, if I am not doing these performance-based roles, I am not showing or indicating that I love my woman being a woman. So, for example, if I do not come/cannot change your tyre, my masculinity/manhood is now questioned because the performance roles are attached to the concept of masculinity, so it “should be” performed by a man.
This is a reason why a lot of men feel we cannot open up around women, because being emotionally vulnerable is not performing the role of a man. But those traits are what is required to be a whole human, and I’m not a fucking robot.
Now more than ever, I deeply desire to be seen as a human first in my relationships, with masculine performances a bonus. I want to frequently express my feelings of hurt and worry without being identified as lesser or “incapable as a man.” I deeply desire to have my weariness be as valuable as my activity. I deeply desire to have my emotional self seen as a space to be had instead of problems to be fixed.
This whole thing is dead and creates this gender war where we are seeing women saying, “They need a man to earn X amount of money and pay for their whole lifestyle.” In turn, men ask: “What do you bring to the table?” Which I am sure women take as men not seeing the value of them.
What that question is really saying is, can you see how much that places on me to provide this provision, however big or small? Do you know how much emotional labour and capacity that takes? That is the humanity outside of this performance. The same way it feels when women are asked: “What can you do for me?” takes away from who y’all are as women, which is diabolical, is what women do or expect only of us to deem our worth, which is just as bad.
And it all stems from the idea that men are physical beings and women are emotional beings.
bell hooks (further reading and inspirations)
‘The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead, patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.” – bell hooks
I was going to talk about the author bell hooks here, whose writing focused on the intersectionality of race, capitalism, and gender. Publishing more than 30 books, ranging in topics from black men, patriarchy, and masculinity to self-help, engaged pedagogy, personal memoirs, and sexuality. There was so much to take from different places, I honestly did not know how to piece it together, so here are some links to other people’s work, who I feel convey the message in this post:
Being Selfish
Everything I’ve said above applies to this part and my journey of being selfish. This year, I want to hone in on my needs/wants, set boundaries, and truly express myself, and that includes throwing and breaking all of the above because they do not serve me in becoming completely myself.
Selfish
adjective
I should really call it self-care, but being selfish is not to the detriment of others. As someone who has come from a place of low self-esteem, I constantly shifted my wants/needs and boundaries for other people because I didn’t feel worthy enough (I am essentially a people pleaser).
I would give almost everything I had, and that is self-betrayal. It means leaving myself with nothing, which is a terrible boundary to have for myself.
This whole journey of being selfish started with the thought of being the “bad guy” because I decided to put my feelings first. The idea of that is scary because of my perception of the anxiety of making someone else feel bad when, in reality, it makes me a healthy person who understands my capacity for giving and or asking for more when I am empty.
I needed to use a stronger word to affirm that new change, so I went with selfish. I need to stand firm in the journey and my boundaries.
This will also help me strengthen my relationships because I will be willing to take up space and put my wants, values, and needs at the forefront so other people can’t avoid them. However, this is a journey I need to go through by myself first. I feel like I’m doing pretty well so far.
I know this website is about music, so I’ll give a little update on that too!
With some other surprises to look out for! 👀 So keep your eyes peeled on OUKASnation, and thank you to everyone who has supported me so far.
I also want to big up Professor Odi, who inspired and helped me articulate (as best I can) most of these thoughts and analyse myself more through this journey.